The irony...

The more I talk/type about biid, the better it feels, in regards to the biid feeling.

However, the more I talk/type about it, the stronger, and more intense those feelings become.

To the point of being overbearing, for example, I haven't slept, in about three days, neither I have ate nor drank anything (not even water) in those same three days.

Yet, again I ask how can this be healthy? How can this be doing no harm?

Sadly, the same thing seems to have happened with
therapy, and antidepressants.

So I ask, how can therapy help to resolve or remove these feeling, when they in fact make them more intense, more overbearing, and more often in occurrence, that is if there is any break anywhere in those feelings and desires. Crying doesn't even help, it just results in the same increase of intensity.

The bottom line is I need help, we all need help. Depressingly, the only effective help available is not an option. It's not because it doesn't exist, it's because those that can perform the much needed help, don't and/or won't help, they all have their reasons, though. Seemingly valid reason on the surface, which makes it all that more depressing, and more desperate.

Meanwhile will I starve myself to death? Eventually, if no effective help is received, I feel, as if the answer is probably, the only question is when. Right now? No, I don't think so, not yet at least, I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet, for I have yet to begin to fight, though I don't know if I possesses the self-confidence to fight. I feel as if I have not the required confidence or energy, as long as I've a left leg still. Ironically, I strongly, deeply, gut instinct level of feeling, that if I didn't have the majority of a left leg I'd have the confidence and energy to go to bat for anyone and everyone, individually even.

What a vicious, ironic cycle, that it is really no wonder why it drives people to extreme measures, and often fatal in today's world. Hopefully tomorrows world will be less fatal, and hopefully that world actually comes tomorrow (in the most literal sense).

Alas, tomorrows world seems just as bleak, will anyone turn on the big fan and blow away the big dark grey cloud away, and let the light shine on tomorrow?

-David